Only 3 Seconds
by Alzeid17
Summary: Post S14E15. What becomes of JJs and Spencers relationship now that the truth is finally out? Will this sudden confession bring them closer together? Or drive them apart?.. *alot of angst*
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! I'm just starting to write again at the inspiration of ByWillowy. I know I'm not as good a writer as I would like to be.. But I was reminded that it was fun and that you can only get better the more you write. So I dedicate this story to ByWillowy for inspiring me to pick up my pen again. :) I know I'm not that good and feeling really rusty.. But I hope you will enjoy the read. THANK YOU! -P.S. A little A/U, I incorparated Hotch and Morgan into my story because I miss them lol.**

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It took 3 seconds.. Only 3 seconds, for a 14 year old secret to break through, what she believed, was an impenatrable steel wall. Made that way with countless years, days, hours, minutes, and seconds of maintaining her self control. Control not to let her eyes show the longing in them, her fingers to show their anxiousness and trembling, her heart to stay in its cage and remain quiet. In all of 3 seconds, those years of emotional turmoil and tears became something she endured for absolutely nothing.. The deepest secret she kept locked in her heart was forcibly extracted by this.. this.. no one!.. This.. monster of a man, had just taken it from her..

"Hot Dam.. Now thats what I'm talking about." Their captor gestured with a shake of his gun. "Those are some last words right there.. But not enough to save your life."

(BANG!)

She closed her eyes as the sound of the bullet whistled past her, and all she thought was how fitting of an end it felt to be in this moment. Realization finally hit her when she found herself to be breathing still, heart pumping wildly in her chest. Slowly she opened her eyes to stare at the now, lifeless body of their captor laying between them. As the initial shock started to wear, she lifted her eyes to her savior and found him staring directly at her. His breathing heavy, and labored as he rested his head back against the desk side behind him, trying to calm his racing heart, never breaking eye contact with her. And as he watched her she could feel the change behind those eyes causing a shiver down her spine. (Good or bad she didn't know..)But he was looking at her in a way he had never done before, and that terrified her..

He broke contact first as their breathing had become level again. He finished removing the bonding that remained from his wrists and holstered his gun back to his ankel. She watched as he hauled himself to his feet, using the assistance of the desk edge behind him. (With the threat now gone the adrenaline had worn off leaving their limbs weak and trembling with relief) After a moment of standing firm on his feet he turned his attention to her. He said nothing as he approached, coming around behind her and placing his hands on each side of her waist, lifting her up onto her feet. She held her breath and tried to control her tremble at the contact, as his hands lingered on her. Her heart pumping the blood through her veins at an irregular rate, causing her cheeks to flush to an unwanted shade of crimson (She spent years perfecting her control on the treacherous muscle, and now she felt like a beginner all over again with a heart that was refusing to cooperate.) She knew his lingering hold was just to make sure that her limbs were capable to support her, there was no other reason, and with that thought she felt a sharp pain settle in her chest.

When he finally did release her she felt the loss of his warm touch. Deep down in her bones she honestly wished he'd never let go.. But this wasn't a fairy tale ending. The world was too cruel for that.. And it was time to face reality she finally turned to thank him she found the words lodged in her throat. She attempted swallowing a few times, hoping they would finally cooperate, but still they refused to come out. She noticed he was watching her again with that same look. The terror within her was rising with every passing second his eyes were locked onto hers. He made it impossible for her to look away..

Her relief was immediate as the team suddenly rushed in, breaking the moment and giving her the capablity to place herself back into the situation they were in. She rushed to the victims yelling out information and directing the medics to where their attention was a priority. She didnt trust herself to look back without losing herself again.. So she never did..

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"Did you mean it?"

With his question she felt herself crumbling. Why she thought she could convince him that it was all a ruse, a show to stall and buy time she didn't know.. It was pointless to try, the damage was done and there was no denying that she meant it. He would never believe her, because when she had said it, she said it with her heart. They weren't just words, and he no doubt felt the sincerity and truth within them.

He knew the answer already. It was clearly reflected in the way she looked at him. She didn't even try to hide it this time, she knew it was too late.. She attempted to make a verbal reply, but before she could get the words to come out she felt a hand come up to rest on her shoulder. "Guys they're about to cut the cake."

She didn't know if she was upset or relieved by the interuption of their friend, but she found her voice and smiled, making her reaction positive. "Great, we'll be right there."It was enough of a response to have their friend make her way back toward the celebratory group, leaving them once again alone. She was not sad to see her go.

After a few seconds, she saw him make ready to walk away from her and she couldn't help the panic that took over as she placed her trembling hand over his chest preventing him from leaving. She didn't know what posessed her to react but the thought of him walking away from her at this moment scared her for some reason.. Almost as if she would, somehow never see him again if she let him go.. Which was stupid. Right?.. As her hand rested over his chest she could feel the warmth, and the steady beat of his heart on her finger tips, the contact sending that same warmth through her veins.

"Its ok." He said.

Her hand slowly fell to her side.

"Everythings ok."

'It was?.. It is?.. Thats all he had to say? That 'everythings just ok?' Well maybe for him, but not for her!.. She felt herself go numb with his words, a deep chill replacing the warmth and causing a lack of the strength to challenge him. And she hated herself for that.. "Ok".. Was all she managed to get out. And with that last pathetic, and soft spoken word, she felt her heart seize as she turned and left him there at the bar, commanding her limbs to return her to the group of happy faces and congragulatory cheers. He never tried to stop her as she went, but god, how her heart wanted him to..

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Walking into the office instantly felt like she was treading into foreign territory. She didn't know what was wrong with her, but everything felt to have shifted on its side, even though everything was exactly the same as it had always been. As usual she was the first one to arrive at work, she knew the others would follow in shortly. But she also knew that 'He' would be the next one to arrive. He always was, as they had a routine to have coffee together every morning in the break room prior to starting the day. It was considered their 'thing'.But with her confession still lingering in the air, making her heart pound with the memory still so fresh.. She'd be lying to herself if she claimed to know what to expect now.. But he had told her that 'everything was ok'.. So why expect things to change? He obviously didn't.. So to the breakroom she headed, making the traditional 2 cups of coffee, his with 2 shots of cream and 6 teaspoons of sugar,( because of course she knew how he liked it, she'd been making it for years) She placed them on the circular table, one in front of her and the other in its usual position right across. Pulling up a chair she sat with her trembling hands firmly wrapped around the warm porcelain in front of her and waited anxiously..

"Hey."

Her head bounced up so fast when she heard his voice she had to close her eyes for a second to get the room to stop spinning. Her heart picking up its tempo, then slowly relaxing when he spoke again.

"Sorry girl, didn't mean to scare ya? Just came in to grab myself a cup. You ok?"

It took her a moment to respond as she looked up at the clock above the doorway. "Hey Morgan, yea, I'm good, just a.. just an eventful weekend thats all." She checked her watch to compare with clock on the wall, making sure what she saw was correct.. It was.. "Sorry I must have dozed off for a few minutes.." She finished, as she looked across her, finding 2 now room tempature cups of coffee. She felt a tightness develop in her chest when she pieced it together.. He didn't come...

"Ah ha! Whoever said moms don't get to party after they have children." Morgan said, giving her shoulder a light shove, and a playful smile, before adding, "Hey, you seen pretty boy this morning? Kind of odd, me getting here before him.. Maybe he had an 'eventful' weekend too." He said jokingly, with a wink in her direction. Joking or not she felt her stomach clinch and sink with his pun. But she was a professional, she could play it off well. "Yea well, you never know. Guess you'll have to drill him for details when he gets in." She joked, giving him the best smile she could muster.

"What am I getting drilled for?"

Her eyes snapped in his direction when she heard his voice, causing her heart rate to jump off grid. He wasn't looking at her and she was actually glad for it, because she was sure if he was watching her that he'd be able to see her heart pounding through her blouse. Even with being at the other side of the room. She was concentrating so hard on calming down the drumming in her chest that she wasn't paying attention to the banter going back and forth between her colleagues. After a few minutes she vaguely made out Morgans voice as he mentioned he'd see them on the floor as he walked by her and exited the room. With Morgan gone she slowly looked up to rest her eyes once again on her best friend. He still wasn't looking at her, his gaze was focused over the cups that were still set, untouched on the table. She watched as he slowly picked up the cup she had prepared for him and walked over to the sink, dumping the contents down the drain. He didn't look at her when he spoke. "Sorry, I was running late so I just brought coffee from home. Thanks anyway." And with that he exited the room without a glance in her direction. He lied to her... Everything was not ok...

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**And that's the 1st chapter.. Like or comment if you enjoyed what you read please! I would really appreciate it! :) I hope to have the next chapter up shortly. THANKS for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

"Mommy.. MOMMY!"

She finally snapped out of her daze at the sound of her sons voice. She looked down to find one of her angels, faces pinched in frustration and his little arms crossed over his chest. She tried not to laugh at how cute the expression he was wearing made him. "I'm sorry baby, mommy just has alot on her mind lately. Whats wrong?"

"Daddy's on the phone, he said he wants to talk to you."

Her demeanor instantly changed to irritation when her son informed her who was on the line. She tried not to let it show on her face as she reached down to take the phone from Michael's outstretched hand. This was not a morning she wanted to have to deal with him. Not wanting Michael to hear the discussion she gestured him to the back door, silently giving permission for him to play in the backyard. He broke out in a toothy grin and ran to the door, slipping on his shoes and flying outside without tying his laces. Of course.. She sighed, shaking her head slowly. One day with a scrape of the knee he'll learn his lesson she thought, as she raised the phone to her ear.

"What do you want Will? I already told you the boys will be dropped off on Saturday afternoon." Her tone laced with irritation.

"I know I know. This time I just want to talk, ok?" He claimed.

She closed her eyes with a heavy sigh, she didn't know how many more times this conversation was going to occur before he accepted her decision. "Will, theres nothing more for us to talk about. Whats done is done."

It had been at least a year since she first found out that Will was having an affair with one of his colleagues. Not one person in the BAU family knew. Not even her best friend. And she wanted to keep it that way. (At least for a little longer) Which is why she sometimes blackmailed her 'Ex' to go along with the charade. It was the least he could do after what he had done to their family. Will had moved out the night she found out, and the following week divorce papers were filed. She was not one to forgive infidelity so easily. (especially when it was going on for almost 1 year 'before' she uncovered the truth) This wasn't a one time mistake, and he knew that well, regardless of his claims. She never told him that she investigated and uncovered when it had actually started. She had seen him slowly changing around that time. He had suddenly stopped fighting her regarding her work, started claiming that he was required to do overnights at the office as a part of the new policy that had been established for the new year. It all made sense.

"JJ, I didn't mean to hurt you. But you were almost never around.. And it was.. stressful.. You have to understan-"

"Excuse me?" She cut him off before he could finish that statement. She was beginning to see red, as she gribbed the phone so hard she was surprised it hadn't broke.

"You want me to understand that you were somehow justifed to cheat on me?! You don't think I know what stress feels like? That I didn't feel that same loss of contact with my family whenever I went on a case?"

She was having a hard time controlling her voice but was able to manage when remembering that Michael was just a few yards away. She thanked god Henry was still at school for this. He was old enough to understand the situation, but to spare him having to hear the arguments was her job as a mother.

"You don't think I've had my temptations? Because I have. But heres the difference Will, I didn't act on them!" With that she slammed the phone down on the receiver, as the tears of frustration started to fill her eyes. She had known they were falling apart even before this affair took place. Though she wanted to try and make things work between them as she didn't take her vows lightly. But he obviously gave up years ago.. She wiped at her tears with aggressive palms, only to have more stream down to take their place. Why wouldn't they stop? Oh how she wanted to talk her best friend right now..

It had been at least a month since that night, and nothing has been the same since. She had repeated their coffee routine at the office every morning, and every morning he came in late, claiming he was held up by something. He knew that she was aware that he was avoiding her, but he never broke, always giving an excuse even though knowing she wouldn't believe it.

She slowly walked over to her couch where she knew she had left her cellphone. Picking it up, she sank herself into the corner of the sofa as she scrolled through her contacts until her finger hovered over the name she was looking for. She stared at the contact, fresh tears forming as she whispered to herself. 'Spence.. Please.. I need to talk to you..I need my best friend.." Closing her eyes she took a deep breath to steady her nerves, made another futile swipe across her wet cheeks, and finally let herself click on his name. She slowly pressed the phone to her ear, as her heart sped up when the first sounds of attempted connection began to ring in her ear. As the seconds ticked by she held her breath refusing to let it go, because once she did she knew her emotions would take control and she wouldn't be able to stop them.

It wasn't until the fifth ring that she gave up in her attempts to hold in her cries. She severed the connection before his voicemail kicked on and dropped her phone onto the wooden floor beneath her feet, cursing the man who had ruined her whole life in a matter of seconds.

While stretching herself out across her sofa and curling her legs into her chest, she grabbed the nearest throw pillow as she attempted to muffle her heartbroken cries.

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"He did what?" Surely it was not getting to that level. He wouldn't go that far to avoid her..

Hotch continued to scan through the files on his desk, unaware of the damage this information did to the person standing in his doorway.

"He was adament that he could handle it himself, said he figured you could use the break." Hotch reponded, never looking up from his desk when he spoke.

She blinked a couple of times staring at nothing while the shock vibrated threw her limbs, keeping her incapable of response. She must have been like that for an awkward amount of time because she heard the concern in his voice when he finally did look up to address her.

"JJ.. Are you alright? You don't look well."

She shook her head bringing herself back to the current moment and reminding herself where she was. She made sure to clear her throat before responding, because she wasnt't sure she trusted it not to break when she finally did. "Yea, yea I'm fine. Sorry, I just had a.. a moment.. Got a few things on my mind lately."

Hotch nodded his head in understanding, Getting up from his desk he made his way to where she was standing and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. "Maybe Reid was right in this then. Go home early today, spend time with Will and the boys. They're all well I hope?"

And with that question the curtain came up, and the show was on once again. She smiled and nodded in confirmation. "They're all doing very well, thanks."

"Good. G'night JJ, go get some rest." With a final squeeze to her shoulder he made his way around her, making his own way home for the night.

She continued to stand there well after he had gone, lost in thought and once again feeling the crushing pressure settle in her chest as her mind ran. 'Why? Why?.. He said everything was ok! That we were ok! So why was he doing this? She had tried! She had tried to make things remain the same between them, so why was he refusing to let her?!' With all these questions swimming in her head it wasn't surprising when she suddenly felt something snap within her, the blood starting to boil within her veins, as a heaviness entered her breathing. Clinching her fists at her sides she turned and all but ran out of the office, making her way to her car. But she wouldn't be going home as Hotch recommended. She wanted answers. And she would get them one way or another. It was time to make an unannounced visit.

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She pounded on his door within seconds of running up to it. Not wanting to take a chance at losing her nerve by hesitating long enough to make her turn around and drive back home with her tail between her legs. No, this conversation needed to happen. And it needed to happen tonight.

She heard nothing on the other side of the door but knew his schedule well enough to know he was most definitely home. She pounded again, this time adding her voice on top of it. "Spencer Reid you open this door right now!" (Sometimes it paid being a mom) "Open it now or I will continue to pound and yell until all of your neighbo.." She was instantly silenced as the door swung open so fast she instinctively jumped back in alarm. Before she could register what was happening, she felt herself forcibly pulled to the other side by her arm, and shortly afterwards heard a door slam behind her.

It took a moment to ground herself after that sudden movement but once she trusted herself not to fall she immediately turned to face him and found he was only inches away from her, the proximity almost causing her to stumble backwards.

"Why are you here JJ?" He asked.

She noticed his eyes were fixed on her shoulder when he asked her the question. So he still wouldn't look at her.. She knew she should be angry, and deep down she still was. But right now at the sight of him in front of her, after weeks of feeling his absence, all she felt was a strong wave of emotion threatening to overwelm her. She willed the pressure building behind her eyes not to break through, at least not yet. It was with a lump forming in her throat that she finally responded.

"Spence.. I.." She paused taking in another deep breath before she tried again. This time with more conviction in her voice. "You know why."

Running his hands through his hair he sighed heavily with frustration. He knew exactly why she was there even before he asked her the question. He had honestly been expecting this for some time now, but still didn't feel ready for it. His inner thoughts were interrupted as he felt her feather light touch against his upper arm in an attempt to gain his attention. Before he could think better of it, he tore his arm away from her reach as if her touch had literally burned him. His quick, aggressive reaction to her touch surprised even himself. He glanced up at her momentarily in his concern, and his heart seized. She stood there frozen, hand lingering in the air, eyes wide and swimming with fresh tears. He hated himself in that moment. He never wanted to hurt her.. He couldn't bare to look at the devastation that settled across her face, so he once again fixed his gaze away from her when he spoke.

"Please go home JJ.." He pleaded, slowly turning his back to her and opening the door behind him. He stepped out of the way to give her passage to exit. All the while keeping his eyes fixed away from her. He kept his grip firm on the knob ready to close it as soon as she crossed, so he could once again breath normally by sealing himself away in his solitude.

His thoughts broke as he barely registered her movement, quick as it was. But when he did catch up he realized his hand was no longer occupied and he had stumbled a few inches away from where he was originally standing. He looked up to find her with legs slightly extended behind her, chin to chest, and both hands spread across the door holding it shut as if she feared something would break through.

She didn't look up when she spoke, she kept her chin to her chest and eyes shut tight. "No.."

He honestly didn't know how to respond to that one syllable word.. He was still half dazed as to what had just transpired, so all he pathetically managed was her name before she cut him off "Jennif.."

"NO!" She screamed, abruptly removing her hands from where they rested, standing erect and spinning round to face him, hot angry tears dropping to her feet. "You said everything was ok!You said 'WE' were ok!" She clinched her fists tightly at her sides as she ranted. She could feel the weight of the last few weeks rolling off her in waves, and she concluded that if she had to drown in them, then so be it.

"Why did you lie to me!?" She continued, her eyes swimming as the hot tears continued to flow. "Why have you pushed me away?!" She could feel her limbs were stuggling to support her, the release of her built up emotions taking there toil. But she continued regardless of her exhaustion, never giving him a chance to respond to her questions."Why won't.. why won't you look me in the eyes anymore?.." Her voice cracking, losing its volume. The next one was barely above a whisper. "Do I mean so little to yo.."

Before she could finish the question he was suddenly inches from her, causing her to stumble a step back in surprise with how quickly he appeared. He looked down at her, his face filled with hurt and rage, and the expression stole any remaining words away from her.

"Don't you dare ask that question"

She felt as if her feet were glued to the floor, his tone and the expression leaving no room for retaliation. What was she suppose to think then? He all but vanished from her life since that horrible day. He avoided all interaction with her, never giving a reason as to why, never searching her out to explain, he wouldn't even look her in the eye for gods sake!..

With those thoughts, she felt the shock wear off and determination take its place, she lifted her chin challenging him to answer her. "Then why Spence?"

She saw the rage and intensity evaporate instantly from his face, as he shifted his gaze to settle again at her shoulder. She could feel him starting to shut down and in a moment of desperation she grabbed either side of his face and pulled him down locking her eyes with his. The surprise evident on his face. Her voice was low and pleading. "Why won't you look at me?"

He felt panic starting to rise at her sudden touch. This was why! he thought, his skin tingling under her finger tips. Couldn't she see what she was doing to him? What she'd been doing to him since that day? He had terrified himself on that fateful night, what her confession did to him, He couldn't put it into words, had never felt anything like it. After she said the words the blood flowing through his veins felt like liquid fire, his fingers burned in their want to touch her, hold her. The lack of self control he felt that night overwelmed him with fear. Because for those few seconds, he refused to give a DAMN that she wasn't his to have!..

Grabbing her wrists he pulled her hands down away from his face and slamming them to her sides with a force he didn't mean to use, he tried not to let the guilt show on his face, but once again he could feel his self control slipping and he needed to hold himself together. He was doing this for her, for her family, even if she didn't understand now, she would someday. He couldn't trust himself anymore. He needed to protect her from himself. Thats what best friends do, right?..

Her sudden heart wrenching sob shook him to his core, tearing his heart in two, as he raised his eyes to her face. He felt his own eyes swimming as he watched her, frozen where he stood. He couldn't breath. Her shattered expression was too much to bare.. 'What had he done?'

"I'm sorry.." She whispered on a hiccup. "I'm sorry I said I love you.. But I do, love you.. I can't change that.. I never could.."

Without another word, nor waiting for a response, she ran past his stunned frame, opening the door and giving him back his solitude with the soft click behind her.

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**Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy! Chapter 3 should be up soon!**


	3. Chapter 3

JJ stood erect at the edge of his desk, anxiously awaiting the verdict of her sudden request.

"Jareau.. What is this all about?" Section chief Cruz asked as he gestured to the letter on his desk. "Did something happen to make you suddenly request this? "

Chief Cruz was a good and compassionate man, no matter what others may say. She knew he wouldn't pry into her personal life, nor demand answers unless she was willing to give them, or required in the line of duty. But she respected him enough to share that her reasoning was indeed a personal one and that this request was in hers (and someone elses) best interest.

"Sir, please. I know this is sudden, but I am also convinced that this is the right course for me at this time."

Chief Cruz sighed, leaning back in his chair, and sliding one hand through peppered hair. "Agent Jareau this is odd to say the least.. Your not only asking for transfer out of state, your asking, per a personal request that your transfer location be.. confidential."

"Yes sir. As I said I believe it to be in the best interest for my family and I. And please, I respectfully request that you don't ask me to explain." She begged, as she tried to keep the trembling of her hands and the quiver of her lip under control. But of course he noticed. And his look of concern almost broke her. She internally thanked him for not asking any more questions. She didn't think she could handle it.

After a moment of letting her regain control, which she was thankful for, he spoke.

"Agent Jareau, I will grant your request under certain conditions, foremost being that this transfer will be temporary for trial. And when required, you will return to headquarters at Quantico upon my summons. At which point you will have the option to remain or resubmit for permanent relocation.

She deflated a little as he informed her of the conditions, but another part of her appreciated the discreet invitation to come back if she chose. Chief Cruz really was a good man. Many thought he was unfit to be in his position, in that he was too.. for lack of a better term, 'soft' to be able to follow through with the responsibilites that were required to do this job. But honestly she believed his kind heart is what made him the best person for the position, no matter what anyone else said. His voice brought her out of her inner thoughts when he spoke again.

Cheif Cruz lifted himself from his chair, coming around the desk to stand in front of her. Placing a comforting hand on her shoulder, he looked at her with his eyes showing their concern, his voice matching perfectly. "JJ.. You know this will affect the team greatly.. Are you sure this is what you really want? That whatever it is that has pushed you to do this, is something that can not be resolved?"

She swallowed hard. 'Oh how she wished it could.. She knew he didn't, and wouldn't return her feelings. But she wanted to continue believing that eventually things would go back to the way they were over time.. But after last night she knew that it was futile to hope.. She missed him so much that she actually felt physically ill. And to see him everyday, never looking at her, never talking to her, avoiding her at every turn, it was slowly killing her inside, everyday would get worse. And it was starting to affect not only herself, but her boys. She had to think of them.

"Yes, I'm sure. I'm sorry to ask this of you, but your the only one I can count on for this. If they knew they would assuredly try and stop me. I love them all dearly but I need to do this for myself.." The thought of leaving her BAU family added another stab to her already bleeding heart. She wished this didn't have to involve them. But to see them was to see Spence, and even if he wasn't around they would continually remind her of him.. It wasn't fair, but she needed to separate herself, otherwise she'd never heal.

With a sigh of resignation, Cruz gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze before letting his hand drop to his side. "Alright. I still don't believe this is right, nor do I believe this is fair to them. But I will do this if its your desire. However like I said, I'm not letting you run forever. Make no mistake you will be summoned to return. And at which point I hope that whatever it is causing you to do this will be resolved. Remember, this will always be your home."

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"Sir.. What are you saying?.." Hotch was the first to speak, as everyone else around him were too shocked by this information to respond.

Cruz knew this announcment was devastating for them to say the least. His stomach churned as he observed the look on each of his agents faces when what he said started to sink in. "Effective immediately, Agent Jareau has been, by her own request, transferred to a classifed location for an undetermined duration of time."

Everyone looked at him in complete shock and confusion. You could hear a pin drop as the silence of his statement ricochetted off the walls.

Garia was the first one to recover enough to speak, voicing the same thoughts as those around her. "That can't be true... Please tell us this is a joke.."

Hes eyes reflected his sympathy to the team. He could only imagine what this information did to them. "I wish I was.. But I'm afraid its true. I can understand how unexpected and shocking this is to you all, it was to me as well, however it was at the insistance of Agent Jareau that this transfer was immediate."

Hotch spoke up again disbelief laced in his words. " Sir, forgive me but.. we don't understand.."

"Neither do I." He sighed with a slight shake of his head. He really wished he had an answer to give them but he was ignorant himself. He knew that she wouldn't have asked this of him unless she had a good reason. He had seen the desperate look in her eyes, and he wasn't sure what she would've done if he had denied her request. "I'm truly sorry that I don't have answers for you all."

The room continued to throw questions, never recieving the answers they demanded. Everyone had something to say, except a certain genuis who stood frozen and silent behind them all.

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She wouldn't do this... She wouldn't do this... No! She would not do this!..

Reid paced the floor of his apartment, head spinning violently. When they were informed of JJs transfer he felt as if he had been kicked in the stomach with a steel toed boot, his arms and legs had gone numb, his mind spinning. This was a mistake... She wouldn't do something like this to them.. to him!.. He ran his hands through his hair as he continued to aimlessly pace. She knew! No one knew him better then her, and she knew he couldn't except not saying goodbye! What the situation with Gideon and Emily had did to him.

With the others still arguing with Cruz, he had sprinted out of office once the initial shock had past enough to get his legs to cooperate, never answering the teams calls as they questioned him when he ran past, exiting the room. He didn't let himself rest, his long legs carrying him the 6 mile distance to her house. Out of breath he reached her front door and immediately he knew something was wrong. All the curtains of the windows were closed.. He knew JJ was clastrophobic. She would always tell him how anxious it made her feel when she wasn't able to see the outside.

He had pounded on the door and called out her name multiple times, but she never came.. He unintentionally alarmed the neighbor who had come to inform him that they had suddenly moved out yesterday, and that she was never told why or where they were going. In a daze he thanked her softly and left without acknowledging the elderly womans calls behind him asking if he was alright.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he couldn't even remember how he had gotten home. But here he was, and after his mind had convinced him that she did in fact leave, the water building behind his eyes burned with such fury. She knew, she knew what he had gone through and now she leaves?! Without any goodbye?! Hot angry tears were now escaping, he ran his hands aggresively through his hair, scraping his scalp in the process. He then pressed his palms into his watery sockets with unnecessary force holding them there as he tiled his head back in angush, releasing a shaky breath. He didn't know if he could forgive her for this.. He had a hard time forgiving her when he finally found out about Emily.

As these thoughts ran threw his head, there was a part in the back of mind that was practically screaming at him that he did this, he was at fault. He had pushed her to do this.At Rossi's wedding he had told her that everything was gonna be ok between them, but it wasn't. He had lied to her.. He never thought it would be ok, not after she said those words to him. And to watch her struggling each day afterwards, trying to keep everything the way it always was, he had shot her down at every turn. Why couldn't he see what he was doing?

His thoughts flickered to last friday night, when he had disregarded her attempts to make things right between them. He had never answered any of her questions, never looked her in the eye, and to top it all off, he had aggressively shunned away from her concerned touch.. Twice!.. Another part of him kept trying to reason with himself. Telling him he had no choice, that he couldn't trust himself not to react to her touch, disregarding her and her family. His boys.. his godsons..

When she had told him that she loved him a second time, it had broke him. But before he could recover enough to say or do anything she had disappeared. When she had ran out, his sensible part regained control and he didn't try to go after her. He was scared.. He had felt that same feeling again as the first time she had said it, in that he didn't care that she wasn't his to have, he would just take her. If he had run after her, he knew what the selfish part of himself would do. And he'd never let her go.

But now she was gone. He had no idea where she was, or if she would ever come back, no way of contact, he had nothing.. He heard a sudden choking gasp and heart wrenching sob, and soon realized that it came from him. The sobs continued to rake his slender frame as his mind continued to dwell. He didn't think he could bare a life without her by his side. He needed her in his life, even if it was just as his friend, his family.. Others have come and gone from his life, but he eventually healed and came to terms with it. But with JJ, he knew his heart and mind couldn't bare it..

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**I'm really just making this up as I go.. lol But hope you enjoy :) Chapter 4 will hopefully be posted soon! Thanks again for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

(6 Months Later)

She was back.. But she never expected it to be this soon. She looked up at her once, home away from home, the anxiety overwhelming her. She commanded her knees to stop trembling as she walked up the familiar stairway and through the building doors. When she reached the BAU department she took a few shaky breaths as she willed herself to just walk through and not over think, she didn't expect this to go well. Once she finally convinced herself to walk through that door all eyes in the room turned in her direction. But even though all were on her, her own instinctively searched for one, but they never found who they were seeking as she soon realized he wasn't in the room..

The shocked expressions on her BAU families faces brought both overwhelming joy and fear. Joy to be reunited with her loved ones, and fear for what was running through their minds at her reappearance after all this time. A fear for what they thought of her, knowing she walked out on them 6 months ago without a single word. Would they forgive her?

All she could offer was an apologetic half smile, as the anxiety was weighing her down. She found her voice long enough to offer a pathetic, "I'm back." The room was so silent she could hear her own heart beat strongly pulsating within her veins.

Garcia was the first to recover, heavy sobs starting to make their escape from their tech goddess, as she ran up to secure the other blonde in a tight, bone crushing hug. Her friends sobs were causing her own eyes to dampen with fresh tears as she returned her embrace ten fold. By the time they had seperated, the others had all recovered from the initial shock at her reappearance and quickly ran up to join the two.

Hotch was the next to speak. And as happy as he was with her return, he also wanted answers. She had left without word and refused them any information as to where she was, or how to contact her.

"JJ.." He could see the anxiety in her eyes as he addressed her. "It's good to have you back." The comment seemed to take some of the tension away from her shoulders so he continued."But I'm sure you expected we would have questions?"

She straightened her shoulders. Yes she was prepared for questions, but answers?.. Not quite."Hotch, Everyone.. I'm sorry for disappearing like I did. I realize it wasn't fair to any of you. But please, I ask that you don't push or pry, that you just believe me when I say that it killed me to leave all of you, to leave my home.." She took another shaky breath as she continued. "But if I had thought there was any other option at the time, I would've never left."

They all watched her as she tried to help them see, to understand. Her hands were trembling in their anxiety as she spoke. "Please believe me. I wish I could tell you all why I had to do this.. But.. I can't.." Her eyes were pleading for them to understand that this was something personal, too personal for her to share, even with them.

They all looked at eachother as they took in her words and pleas. After a short time she could see acceptance pass between all of them, and Morgan was the first to respond to her 'undetailed explanation.'

"Welcome home girl." Opening his arms wide, encouraging her to get in them with a warm smile on his face.

She sighed heavily in relief and with a watery smile to match his, she wasted no time in entering his awaiting arms. They all took turns welcoming her back with happy tears and warm hugs, but after some time, she knew she had to ask, she had to know.. Ignoring her better sense she asked. "Where is Spence?.." Her voiced cracked when she said his name, She hadn't used it out loud these last months, so her heart reacted to its lack of use.

She instantly noticed the atmosphere in the room had changed. (And not for the better) They all exchanged looks of concern, no one had yet to answer her question..

She swore her heart had stopped beating as a hysterical panic climbed up her throat constricting her breathing as she began to hyperventilate. No.. no he couldn't be.. She barely registered the hands that were gripping the sides of her face and the voice that was practically screaming at her that he was alive. That single word 'Alive', once it settled in her mind, immediately started her heart beating again, and allowed her breathing to slowly level out.

Garcia was still cupping her face when she finally regained control. JJ sighed heavily as she closed her eyes tight, calming herself before she spoke. "I'm sorry.." she whispered. "I'm sorry.. but I.."

"We know, we know.." Garcia said, cutting her off. "We should've said something immediately. Of course you'd think the worst... But.. honey, its still not good news.." Garcias eyes dropped from hers, a deep sadness radiating from her. She felt the anxiety reclaiming itself. She needed an answer now. Grabbing Garcia's shoulders she gave them a slight shake in her desperation. "Garcia please! Whats happened to Spence?.. Tell me!" She begged.

Rossi was the one to answer her demand. "He's in Rehab."

She stood frozen, and silent for a time as his words were absorbed. After what felt like hours, but were meer seconds, she released one word in her disbelief. "What?.." The true confirmation came when she observed all their faces individually.

"Sorry JJ.." Rossi replied. "It was all we could do. He refused all help.."

He had relapsed?..

"When?.." Was all she was able to get out. She noticed Rossi hesitated before finally offering her the answer. "About 6 months ago.."

It felt as if the floor opened up beneath her and swallowed her whole. 6 months ago?.. Guilt began to rack through her body. This was her fault? She caused this? As her mind ran with the information, a part of her began cursing herself. (She should've known.) People disappearing from his life was something he couldn't handle. (She should've known..) The countless months, weeks, days, and hours of consoling him from his dispair. He had even admitted to 'almost' re-using when Emily was gone.. (She should've known!.. What had she done?)'But he shut you out!' Another part of her argued. He didn't want to fix what happened between you both! She had tried. What else was she to do? He left her no choice.. Right?...

The concern of her BAU family was evident as they surrounded her with reassuring words and hugs. She appreciated their attempts at comfort and comments that 'this wasn't her fault', but it was all undeserved. They knew as well as she did, that the blame was on her. They shouldn't be comforting her, they should be cussing her out, blaming her for pushing him to this.

She needed to see him. With heavy tears she finally asked. "Where is he?"

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**Quantico Community Addiction and Rehabilitation Center**

She read the curb side sign as she made to turn through the gate entrance. She pulled up into the nearest unoccupied space, placing the car in park. She couldn't control her knees from bouncing with anxiety as she sat there trying to persuade herself to get out of the car and go see him. Her hands were still gripping the steering wheel, knuckles as white as snow.

As she looked at the outside of the building through her window, her stomach sank at the thought of him being locked behind those four walls all this time.. Thinking about his situation was enough make her feel broken inside.

She wanted to see him, she had to see him, but she was scared.. She didn't know how he would react to seeing her after all these months. Would he be happy? Furious? Would he welcome her back? Or demand her to leave? The scenarios were endlessly circulating inside her mind. Shaking her head violently, she dismissed them all. This was not like her, she was a head strong woman that didn't back down from a challenge. And even though she told herself that this was different, this was Spence.. She knew she couldn't shy away. Him being here was because of her selfish actions, and whether or not he wanted her there, she was going to see to it that he came home.

The others had told her that he refused all help, even from them. He had claimed he didn't want to get clean, not this time. When they told her that, she refused to believe it. She refused to believe that this was something he actually wanted. She knew him better then anyone else, so she was certain that he desired help, even if he denied, or fought it.

Thinking about Spence in need of help, made her whole body tense with firm determination. She would not let him refuse help, she would get him clean again.

When she finally did make her way into the building she could sense the sickness within the walls, making the air inside feel contaminated. Again the thought stuck her, him being locked in here for 6 months was enough to make her heart sick, she struggled to keep her tears at bay.

"Excuse me. Did you need some help ma'am?"

She turned to find a middle aged woman with thin brown hair, and dull eyes addressing her. The woman had a pulled expression that made her look older then she most likely was.

"Yes. I'm looking for a patient." She replied with a quick swipe beneath both eyes. "Can you tell me what room I can find Spencer Reid?"

With a raise of her brow she replied. "Are you family?"

JJ immediately determined that she was not a fan of this woman in front of her. "No, I'm friend. I'm just here to visit." she retorted with a raise of her own brow in challenge.

The woman studied her for a few seconds, a frown firmly in place. She finally gave a short, hesitant nod of her head, signaling her acceptance. She walked behind a near counter and pulled out a thick binder, placing it on the desk in front of her, and scanning through the pages before finding the name she was looking for. "Patient Spencer Reid is in room 207" She reached into her desk and pulled out a visitors badge, handing it over to JJ. "I will direct you to the room, and you will have 30 minutes of visitation."

JJ followed the woman down the hallway until they reached the elevators. "Take this to the second floor and make a right. Room 207 will be at the end of the hall, there is a call button on the outside of the door if you need anything." Before JJ could reply the woman was already making her way back to her post at the front desk. She was not sorry to lose her company.

Her heart was pounding uncontrolably as the elevator doors opened to release her on the second floor. She walked down the hall slowly, the tempo in her chest elevating with each step. When she finally reached his room she had to stop, close her eyes, and took a few breaths to try and calm herself before facing him.

She brought her eyes up to look through the small window on his door and her stomach churned at what she saw. She could make out his tall slender figure curled up on the bed, his back facing her. He looked so broken just lying there.. She felt a tear escape and quickly wiped it away before using the visitors card, opening the door that seperated them.

He didn't look up to acknowledge her as she entered the room, so she slowly made her way to his form stopping just a few inches from his bedside. Her hands twitched continuously as she stood there, her knees shaking so much she was afraid they would fail to support her soon. So to avoid collapsing like a weak idiot, she slowly lowered herself to sit at the edge of his bed, giving her knees the relief they were begging for.

With her hands still trembling violently, she placed one softly on his forearm to alert him of her presence, but he didn't react to the contact. Finally, needing him to know she was there she whispered his name.

"Spence?.."

His reaction was immediate. With the sound of her voice she felt him shutter violently beneath her fingers, but never turned to face her. She began to notice something wasn't right, her brows seamed together in concern as she took in the signs, his arm was hot to the touch, and a cold sweat had seep through his clothing. In her concern she threw all caution to the wind, and without any hesitation she immediately rolled him over to face her.

She gasped in horror. What she saw had terror gripping her heart. His eyes were blood shot, and dazed with unrecognition. His skin was ashy white and his cheeks were sunken in, making him look almost skeletal. He was completely disconnected from reality, that he most likely wasn't aware of her presence at all. She anxiously stroked his face, swiping his damp locks from his ashened face. "Spence?..Spence?.. Can you hear me?" His blood shot eyes flickered but still he didn't respond beside a low moan. She jumped off the bed and rushed to the door, slamming her hand on the call button and quickly returning to his bedside, feeling his pulse and finding it slower then normal.

The same woman from the front desk, as well as another staff member appeared suddenly in the door way. "What is the matter?" The woman demanded.

JJ turned furious eyes to the two individuals who had entered the room. "What is the matter?!" She yelled. "Look at him!" She threw an angry gesture to his weakened form. The woman frowned, looking down at him without surprise. She then brought her eyes back up to JJs, as she addressed her. "This is to be expected, as it is a necessity under his circumstances."

JJ stumbled back a step, in shock at the womans response. A necessity? They did this to him on purpose?! She thought to herself.

"You drugged a drug addict?!" She screamed, all color draining from her face.

"Calm down Ms. Jareau this wa.."

JJ didn't wait for her to finish her sentence before cutting her off. "Don't you DARE tell me to calm down! What is wrong with you people?!"

"Ms. Jareau, please understand. This is not always his condition. Only when he becomes hysterical and erratic. We have to protect our staff members at any cost."

JJ mouth hung open in utter shock. She could not be hearing this right. This place of 'supposed healing' was seriously justifying their actions in druging a drug addicted patient? Thank god she had come when she did or she may have never known his true condition in this awful place. As the initial shock faded, her fury became so strong she had actually considered strangling the woman in front of her.

"I'm taking him out of here. You people are insane!"

"I'm afraid thats not possible Ms. Jareau, as you are not family and have no legal rights to remove an admitted patient from our medical care."

"Medical care my ass!" She fumed. "Mark my words, he WILL be leaving with me today." She turned back to his bedside and gently stroked his cheek, in a silent promise that she would be back shortly. And with a quick spin on her heels, she pushed past the obnoxious woman as she stormed out of the room, making her way back outside.

Angry tears were streaming down her cheeks as she reached in her pocket, pulling out her cell phone, and dialing quickly. She tried to calm herself enough to speak, as the line rang out in her ear. When she heard the connection, and the receivers question as to the reason for her call. She did not hesitate to respond.

"Hello, may I speak to Ms. Diana Reid please?"


	5. Chapter 5

It always broke her heart to say goodbye to her boys when they went to stay with their dad. The fact that they were leaving a whole week earlier just added to the heart break. But she knew there was no alternative, it was necessary. They could not be here for this, as this was not a situation for any child to witness. And she would never allow her boys to see their favorite Uncle Spence in this way. She knelt down so she could face both of them, cupping their cheeks as she spoke.

"You both promise me that you'll be good for your dad ok?"

Both boys nodded in unison, with confirmation that they would. She stood and kissed both her boys on the top of their heads before making her way to the car. She opened the back door motioning for them to climb in. Once they were both seated and secured, she told them how much she loved them, and that she would see them soon, before closing the door with a mild thud.

She looked up to find Will exiting the house with bags from the boys room. She honestly didn't know how long this would take, so she encouraged the boys to bring extra shoes and clothing that they may need for the duration of their stay.

Will secured the bags in the trunk before rounding the car to where she stood. "JJ, I don't like this."

She bit back her initial retort, reminding herself that he was only concerned. And she owed him for helping her transport Spence from the hospital, as well as agreeing to take the boys until this nightmare was over..

"I'll be fine Will."

"I know ya will, but still. This shouldn't have to be ya."

"It can't be anyone else 'but' me." And it was the truth. If it wasn't for her disappearing without a word this may have never happened. "This is my fault, and I have to fix the damage I've done." She let her stance reflect her determination, proving she would not be talked out of this.

Will sighed heavy with resignation, one hand combing through his hair. "I know how pointless it is to argue with ya when ya've set your mind to somethin'." He turned to look over his shoulder at the house once more, then turning back to face her he continued. "JJ, I know he's your best friend, but hes also not himself. And probably won't be for awhile."

She gave a silent nod, the truth he brought out, weighing on her chest. As he turned to leave, her call stopped him.

"Look Will.. I just want say thank you for helping me. Not only for taking the boys, but with Spence as well. I couldn't have gotten him here without you." She gave him a soft smile to prove her sincereity. Things may have ended between them awhile ago, but with a little more time of healing, she was sure they would get back to being on better terms with eachother, especially for the boys. And this, she thought, was a good start.

He gave a small smile in return before climbing into the drivers seat, and seconds later driving away. She watched until the car was out of sight, before turning to face a battle she had to be ready for.

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* * *

Spencer's eyes fluttered open slowly, and he instantly noticed something was wrong. His eyes lazily shifted throughout the room, taking in his new surrounds as best he could, since his eyes were taking their precious time focusing. He attempted to turn his head to get a better view around the room and instantly regretted the decision. His head began to spin and is whole body ached with the minor movement, his muscles screaming in protest. He shut his eyes to stop the room from spinning and gave up in trying to find out more about his location. What did it matter where he was anyway?

He heard a soft creak of a door being opened, and after a few seconds he registered a secure click, signaling it had been closed once again. He could feel a new presence within the room but he had no desire to acknowledge them, whoever they were. Keeping his eyes shut he just tightly curled himself up in the thick blankets, willing the darkness to reclaim his conscious so he could stop thinking. Until he heard the intruders voice.

"Spence?.."

He instantly concluded he was still drugged, as it was the only explanation. He only ever heard her voice when the drugs were still swimming through his veins. So instead of answering, he just curled himself up even tighter, wishing it to stop. But it wouldn't...

"Spence?.. Are you awake?"

God! It just sounded clearer! Why wouldn't it stop?! While he was internally begging for sleep to take over, he suddenly felt hesitant fingers come in contact with his forehead. He knew that touch.. And the jolt it caused shot through his limbs and had him jumping up at a speed he didn't know he could reach, all aches and pains forgotten. His back was pressed up against the headboard as he stared at the person in front of him like a man posessed.

JJ stumbled back in surprise, when he suddenly jumped up. Causing her to release a small yelp at the unexpected movement. She placed a hand over her heart in a gesture to ground herself. When she looked up at his face she saw so many emotions play across his features, disbelief, elation, anger, sadness, fear, and one she couldn't quite place... She didn't know what to do. But she was sure her own emotions were making their appearance. To see him face to face after all these months was enough to bring tears to her eyes, she was overwhelmed. She knew he would most likely hate her for leaving.. or for coming back.. But at this moment, that didn't concern her. He could do his best to push her away, but she was just too happy to care. She did though, owe him a strong apology..

"Spence.. I.. I'm so sorr.."

But before she could finish her sentence, she felt his trembling, but strong arms come up around her, encasing her in a bone crushing embrace. His forehead resting against her shoulder. She heard him take a shaky breath and felt his heart pounding against her own. Their tempos matching in harmony, as he held her tight for an unknown amount of time. But before she could fully register what had happened, he had suddenly pulled away from her, holding her at arms length and looking at her as if she were a stranger.

She felt a deep chill settle in her bones when he looked at her that way. This was more of what she was expecting.. She couldn't look away from him, as she swallowed a few times, debating whether she should try and say something, or wait for him to speak first. Until she could make a decision, all she could do was watch him. Her eyes reflecting her concern and anxiety. She noticed when the anger became his dominate emotion, and as she said, she was expecting this, but she'd be lying if she said she was ready for it..

"Why are you still here?" He fumed.

That wasn't a question she was anticipating. Confusion rang out with her response. "What are you talking about?"

"Everyone disappears when they wear off, but your still here. Why?"

Realization hit her like a brick. So he thought she was part of his drug induced delusions? This process wasn't going to be easy. "I'm still here, because 'I AM' here Spence.."

His eyes projected his disbelief as he continued to stare at her, but after a few long seconds, he turned back toward the bed and seated himself on the edge. She watched as he rested his elbows on his knees and dropped his head in his hands, sighing heavily. She barely made out the words as he whispered, more to himself, she was sure.

"This isn't fair.."

She watched him for awhile, trying to think how best to approach this. Her heart ached for him and what he was going through. Without really thinking, she walked up to where he was seated and knelt in front of him. As she looked up at him, she lifted up her hands and closed them securely around his wrists, slowly pulling his hands away from his face so he could look at her.

He brought his eyes up to lock onto hers, and let his own trace the outlines of her face silently, looking for confirmation. After what felt like hours he spoke again, soft and broken. "Your not gonna go away are you?"

Eyes shining with sympathy and guilt, she slowly shook her head, silently answering his question. His eyes reflected a deep sadness and betrayal that shook her to her core.

He pushed himself away from her, causing her to release the hold she had on his hands, as he retreated to rest his back against the head board. He brought his knees to his chest, and wrapped his long arms around them, before dropping his head to rest against them.

She wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him. But as much as it hurt, she knew that that was something he wouldn't allow her to do.

"Why am I here?" He never looked up at her when he spoke.

She watched, and waited, trying to formulate the best way to answer him. She knew this wasn't going to go well. But she had made the right decision, and she honestly didn't give a damn whether he thought she had the right to make that decision or not. So she decided to be straight forward.

"You weren't getting better Spence."

His eyes snapped up to hers in anger. "I didn't want to get better!"

His anger toward her stung, but she knew she had this coming. Right now the most important thing was to get him healthy again. To her, that outweighed everything else. So she wouldn't back down, no matter how much he fought her.

"They were dosing you with sedatives consistantly Spence. She shot back her own anger as she continued. "And you acted out on purpose so they would continue to do so."

He was no longer looking at her, as she waited for him to retaliate to her accusation, but after a few more seconds, she noticed his breathing was becoming quick and labored, and his body was starting to tremble. Instantly jumping up in her concern, she sat in front of him on the bed, and noticed he didn't fight her when she grabbed the sides of his face, tilting his head back to be able to check his tempature. His eyes were shut tight, his skin was on fire, and his pulse was quickening, causing her anxiety to build. She hnestly didn't think it would've started so soon..

With great effort, she unwrapped his arms, and pulled each of his legs forward to stretch out his tall frame on the bed. All his muscles had tensed up, making it difficult, but she managed to slowly roll him to his side, pulling the comforter over his trembling form.

She wanted to get him some cold compresses to help with his fever, and made to leave when his hand suddenly shot out from under the covers to wrapped around her wrist tightly. The sudden action startled her, but she didn't pull away. "Spence?"

"Don't.. Don't leave me again." His voice trembling and low.

Fresh tears of guilt began to build behind her eyes, as she swallowed back a heavy sob, knowing this wasn't the time for her to break. She needed to be strong enough for the both of them to fight this. Leaning down, bringing her lips close to his ear, she softly gave him reassurance.

"I won't. I promise."

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**Thanks for reading! :) Chapter 6 should be up soon. Like I said I really just winging this story.. lol But I hope its still enjoyable. Thanks again!**


	6. Chapter 6

It had been a few hours before the first bout of withdrawal seemed to faze down. He seemingly was resting a little more peacefully now. The tension throughout his body was still there, just less, and his fever had gone down somewhat, which released some of her own built up tension.

It was harder to watch then she had anticipated. She wanted to take away his pain, but that was impossible. All she could do was be there for him, try to lessen it to the best of her abilities. Even if he pushed her away, he knew as well as she did that he couldn't break this by himself. He needed help whether he'd admit it or not.

When he had said he didn't want to get better, that had bothered her. She never knew him to be the type to give up on life. That wasn't her Spence, that was the betrayal talking.

Just as she made to leave the room, she heard a soft troubled moan escape him. In concern, she moved closer to where he laid on the bed and stretched her arm across him to rest on the opposite side, supporting herself as she leaned over his frame, careful not to disturb him. She was worried another strong bout was in the process, but once she was closer, she noticed this was different.. More like he was having a bad dream?

His hair was damp with his sweat from the fever. A few strands clinging to his forehead. She slowly brought her free hand up to lightly brush the hair back, letting her fingers linger on the side of his face. He looked so much like a innocent child when he slept peacefully. Just watching him made her heart swell.

Ever since her confession months ago, she'd become unable to control her feelings as she once had. That one night opened Pandors's box, and now she felt she wore her heart on her sleeve, especially where he was concerned. She no doubt knew, if he could see her right now, that he'd be able to read her heart through her expression, so she was currently thankful he was unconsious. Or at least he was..

She saw his eyes flutter open and lock onto hers almost immediately, both staring in stunned silence. She didn't realize that she had never removed her hand from cradling the side of his face, and she internally reprimanded her fingers for not returning to her side once their mission was complete. But before she could remove them, he had already gripped her wrist and pulled them away, releasing her almost immediately afterwards. It stung.. But still, it was expected.

"Your're still here."

It wasn't a question, it was just a neutral statement. He was no longer looking at her when he had said it, of course.. And his eyes were fixed on the ceiling above them.

"Sorry to disappoint you." She retorted. It wasn't a fair statement, but his nonchalant attitude hurt. He took a quick, irritated glance at her when she gave her response, then fixed his eyes back to the ceiling above them.

She sighed before she finally pleaded. "Spence, I think we should talk."

"As far as I'm concerned, we have nothing to talk about."

The silence in the room was heavy after that comment, as she tried to formulate in her head the best response to use. "Separated over 6 months and you say we have nothing to talk about?"

She jumped as he suddenly slammed his hands on the bed. Eyes snapping to hers in their fury and betrayal. "I wasn't the one who left JJ! You were!"

She felt hot, angry tears beginning to build. This wasn't the way she wanted to discuss things. Yes, she was the one who left, and she felt that guilt every single day she was away. But at that time she didn't know what else to do.. As the memories filled her mind, she could feel a heavy pressure building within her chest. It didn't feel fair.

"You might as well have!" She countered. She was guilty yes, but so was he in part, and he needed to be aware of that. "I tried to keep things the same between us! To act like nothing had changed!"

"Except everything had!" He retorted. Suddenly jumping off the bed and standing to face her, fists clinched at his sides.

She stared up at him from her position on the bed, wanting to ask what he meant by 'everything'. But she instantly discarded the thought when she watched all the color suddenly drain from his face, his legs beginning to tremble under him. She jumped up without hesitation and went to him just before he collapsed. She grabbed his arm and slung it over her shoulders, trying to get some form of leverage, before he completely lost all strength in his legs, and wrapped her other arm tightly around his waist. For as thin as he was, he still was no feather. She struggled, shuffling her feet back towards the bed with his full weight on her shoulders. Thank goodness it was a short distance or they'd be in trouble.

She managed to drop him on the bed losing her footing in the process and falling with him, landing over his chest in an awkward position. His skin was hot to the touch, and at the moment she was sure hers was too. She quickly reprimanded herself mentally, this was no time for her to get all hot and bothered.. She slid off him to the opposite side of the bed, and took a few deep breaths to cool the heat rising in her cheeks. She watched as his face pinched together in pain, skin becoming clammy with fever. It was already time for round 2..

And just like the first time, he suddenly reached out grapping her wrist with desperation. As if fearing she would disappear.

"Don't.."

"I won't." She whispered without hesitation, knowing what he meant.

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"Emily, what're you doing here?" She asked, when she found her dark haired friend standing on her door step a few hours later.

"Just wanted to check in on you, how you doing? She responded.

"I'm good.. Thanks. Just a little overwhelmed, trying to get settled again, that's all." She tried not to let her anxiety show at her friends unexpected visit, but of course was failing miserably.

"That's all?" She questioned, not being fooled for a second. They were profilers for God's sake, she thought. She'd have to try harder then that to convince her. "Cause you didn't seem to take the news very well when you were told about Reid.. Is there something you wanna tell me?"

JJ had tried not to show just how much the news about Reids admittance devastated her. And fooling a room full of profilers was no easy task. At least one of them would see through her, should've known it would be her.

She sighed audibly in defeat. She was getting tried of lying and keeping secrets. She moved to the side, making a path for her to enter as she spoke. "Come in. I'll make us some coffee."

They both sat across each other in the kitchen, their own cups of liquid warmth settled between their fingers. Emily decided to speak first.

"So, I stopped by the rehab center the other day. They told me he was removed from their care."

JJ felt the anger boil up within her at the thought of him still being at that, hypocritical trash of a rehabilitation center. She couldn't help lacing her words with her anger. "They weren't taking care of him Em." She seethed.

Emily's face showed instant concern at the fire behind JJ eyes. "What do you mean?"

After JJ had explained everything, she saw the same horror on her friends face that her own had probably shown when she had found him that terrible day.

"My god... How did we not see that." Guilt shadowing her features.

JJ had felt the same guilt, so she knew how she must be feeling. Her face instantly softened in sympathy as she reached across the table to grab her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze in reassurance. "Don't blame yourself Em. You guys had routine visits, same days, same times. It was easy for him to make sure things looked progressive whenever you visited. Besides this is Spence we're talking about. Even drugged up hes a genius." She smirked. He would always be able to one up them if really wanted, try as they might there was no, real winning against him. The anger spilled out again when she added. "And those bastards kept giving him what he wanted. Never helping him break it."

Silence settled over them for a few minutes as they sipped their coffee. Both women lost in their personal thoughts. Emily again was the first to break the lull of silence.

"He's here, isn't he?"

There wasn't a reason to hide it. "He's upstairs." She said in a low voice as she fixed her eyes down into her almost empty mug. "Em, I didn't know what else to do. I had to get him out of there. He needs real help, he needs my help."

Emily watched as a series of emotions flickered across her friends face. She continued to study until she felt she had the correct data. "JJ, you remember when you told me that you worried marrying Will was a mistake?"

JJ brought her eyes up to rest on her friend, her anxiety, no doubt evident behind them. She didn't feel comfortable where this conversation was going..

"..Yes.." She hesitated.

"You had said you married him for Henry's sake, and that you couldn't really give your heart to him."

As she spoke, JJ could feel her heart pumping. She knew Emily was getting to the center of that conversation they had years ago. It had been a few months after her and Will had been married that this conversation took place. It was so long ago.. She didn't know why she would suddenly bring it up. During that time she was going through severe depression and needed to talk to someone, to vent, and she had trusted Emily not to judge her too harshly.

"I asked you if there was a reason why you couldn't, if there as someone else who had your heart." "You never answered me, but at that time the look in your eyes confirmed it. I just didn't know who, and chose to stay blind. I didn't even think to consider that it could be someone in our family.."

It was only a matter of time before someone would eventually figure it out, she thought. Though she had to mentally congratulate herself. 14 years is a long time to fool a crowd.

"Your in love with him aren't you? And you have been for a long time."

Emily's eyes mirrored her sympathy and JJ couldn't control the tears that began to form, especially when her friend was looking at her that way. It was becoming too hard to keep things in anymore, and she internally criticized herself for becoming so weak.

"I am.." She whispered.

"And you never intend to tell him?"

"I already have, just recently in fact.."

Emily sat back in her chair as she absorbed her response. She began to piece the puzzle together as to why JJ disappeared and why Reid had started using again. It was all starting to make sense.

"So is that why you left?"

"I had no choice, and now Spence is.. And its all my fault." The tears beginning to flow. A few drops landing in her now empty mug in front of her.

"This isn't your fault."

"It is my fault!" She countered. "I never intended to tell him. And now look at all the damage those 3 words have done!.."

Emily slid her chair closer to where JJ sat. "Does Will know?"

She knew that was another question she was gonna be asked. She didn't really want to answer, but thought enough is enough, she had already spilled 90% of her 14 year old secrets, what was the other 10%? No point in keeping up the charade.

"Will and I aren't together anymore." She looked up and saw the look in Emily's eyes, and was quick to confirm that it wasn't because of her and Spence, that they had never done anything. "Me and Will haven't been together for over a year now."

"But.."

"I know, I know." JJ cut her off. "I didn't want anyone to know. So I pretended so I could save face." She confessed. "I tried Em, I really did. But it wasn't good enough. I had told him before we got married that I wasn't sure if I could ever love him in the way he said he loved me. But he told me he didn't care, that we had to do it to be able to be a family.. And God forgive me, but I didn't want Henry to be born without a father.." The guilt was beginning to weigh on her shoulders heavily. "I never should've married him, it wasn't fair to any of us.."

Emily hesitated before finally asking. "So you.. did you?.." JJ shook her head, knowing what she was asking. "..Then, did he?.." JJ just gave a small nod in response. Emily placed her hand over her friends forearm. "I'm sorry.. Does Reid know? About you and Will?"

"No." She answered quickly "He already can't stand to look at me, the last thing I want to do is make things worse."

"You think it would make things worse?"

JJ tried to keep her frustration in control. She didn't think Emily could understand the situation, at least not completely. "How could it not? Its just another mark on the list proving how horrible and pathetic, of a person I am."

"JJ, he cheated on you, not the other way around."

She shook off Emily's attempts at comfort. "I married him knowing I didn't love him, I might as well have."

"But you were honest with him from the beginning. You told him you didn't love him and he still chose to marry you."

"I still should've stopped the whole thing.."

"You were thinking of your unborn son. No one can blame you for that."

JJ didn't respond, leaving the silence to settle over them once again. After a few minutes Emily got up and got ready to make her exit. She turned back to her friend to give one final thread of advice. "I think you should tell him, and tell him 'everything'." "Don't keep misunderstanding eachother." She grabbed her purse and turned back towards the door. "I'll see you later. Take good care of him."

With that goodbye, Emily made her way out of the house. Leaving JJ to her own thoughts.

* * *

**Thanks again for reading! Hope you enjoy! Chapter 7 hopefully soon :) **


	7. Chapter 7

She found him sound asleep, when she came to check on him after Emily left. He was no longer tossing and turning, his features looked calmed, and his breathing was even again. She was thankful the bout had past and he was finally able to get some much needed rest.

She sat on the opposite side of the bed and picked up one of her favorite books to pass sometime as she watched him. She had always been intrigued by the life of Edgar Allan Poe and appreciated the beauty as well as horror in his writing. He saw both the good and evil in life and excepted each of them as reality. She couldn't help but feel like his insight to life was appropriate for the situation they were in, and for the work they do.

She began reading out loud with a soft tone so as not to wake him. She always felt the words more so, when she heard them expressed verbally, so she had made a habit out of reading aloud whenever able. She also knew that, even though he could read 20,000 words per minute, and memorize everything he ever read, he actually enjoyed hearing other people read to him. He claimed that, hearing someone elses voice speak the words at a more normal pace had a calming effect on him. After sometime, she reached a specific quote, and began to read the first few words before being cut off by the person next to her, letting him finish the passage.

She began. "I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes.."

"..so madly endulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been a desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness.." He finished in a soft tone, his eyes fixed on the ceiling.

She looked at him as the gravity of those words revolved around them. She could feel the pressure building behind her eyes, and when he glanced her way, she struggled to keep them from falling. His eyes were filled with sadness, betrayal, and abandonment. Her heart seized with that look, it was deserved.

She closed the book setting it down on the nightstand beside her, and slid closer to him. She pretended not to notice when he shifted farther away from her.

"Do you feel I betrayed you?"She whispered.

He didn't answer her, and she felt the hurt and frustration rising. She wanted to talk to him, explain why she left and what she was feeling. And she wanted to hear from him too, to talk like they use to. But he kept shutting her out and wouldn't let her in.

"Spence, please?.. We need to talk about this." She tried again.

"I told you already. We have nothing to say to each oth.."

"Bull shit." She spat, hands curled tight around the sheets under her. "Why are you so afraid to talk to me?"

"Afraid?" He snickered humorlessly. "That's what you think?.. No I just know the conversation would but pointless."

She was at her limit. She didn't know how to get him to open up anymore. He was so angry and bitter with her that she was at a loss. She had pleaded, almost begged, and each time he shut her down. She could feel herself becoming desperate. The longer he refused to acknowledge the situation between them, the further he seemed to drift away from her. In her desperation she decided to try a different approach.

"Never took you for such a coward." Accusation laced in her tone. "So much so that you reduced yourself back to being a pathetic drug addict, And surprise, suprise, using them to cover over your feelings so you wouldn't have to deal what life thro.."

She didn't get to finish her rant, as she felt a sudden force pushing her down onto the bed. Before her mind could fully grasp what had happened, she found herself pinned beneath him, his legs straddling her, and his hands secure against her shoulders, preventing her from any movements.

She tried but failed to keep the blood from rising to her cheeks, setting them ablaze. She couldn't help thinking that if this was a completely different situation that she wouldn't object to this position they were currently in. But this was not that type of moment.

Her thoughts broke as she felt fresh tears against her cheeks, though she instantly noticed they weren't hers.. She stared up at him eyes wide in their shock. She started to see the cracks.

"What about you?!" He yelled. "Calling me the coward when you were the one that left without a word!" He took a shaky breath before he continued in a slightly softer tone. "You knew, you knew what losing Gideon and Emily did to me.. You were the only one who knew, and still!.. You left! You didn't even say goodbye.." His anger diminished as he went on, leaving him broken, eyes shut tight as silent tears continuing to escape.

He felt a soft touch craddle the side of his face, causing him to release a soft sigh at the contact. How he had longed for her touch, he relished in it like a drowning man and brought his own hand up to swallow hers, holding it securely against him. When he finally convinced himself to open his eyes, what he saw took his breath away. She was looking up at him eyes shining, cheeks flushed with a sweet shade, and the most beautiful smile spread across her face.

"There you are." She whispered. Her smile never wavering.

At her words his shoulders sagged, silent sobs wracked through his limbs, leaving him weaker then he already was from the withdrawals.

She shifted herself up from under him just before his head landed soundly on her shoulder in exhaustion. Backing up slowly to rest against the headboard, she supported his frame before gently positioning him to rest his head against her lap. That burst no doubt almost took everything out of him, but she didn't regret pushing him. He finally gave her some recognition, some other emotion besides silent bitterness.

She slowly stroked his head, his breathing became level as he finally relaxed against her. He didn't fight her, or push away from her, which she was thankful for.

She began to dwell on his words, knowing that everything he accused her of was true. She did leave, taking the cowards way out. She just wanted to break him open, even if it was just a little, so she said all that she did just to get this rise out of him, knowing full well she carried most of the fault out of the two of them. She allowed her tears to flow as he slept. Continuing to gently stroke his head, she softly spoke even though he wouldn't hear her.

"I'm so sorry Spence..I never meant to hurt you.. I was selfish, and I thought only of my own pain." She kept her tone barely above a whisper as she continued. "I couldn't bare not being able to talk to you, to joke and laugh with you, and the thought of seeing you everyday and not being able to do those things with you crushed me. I couldn't bare becoming a stanger to you." She swiped at her tears with her free hand before they could fall on him, and continued, "The night at your apartment scared me.. I felt you had completely shut me out and that no matter how hard I tried, you would never let me back in.. And I was terrified. So I did the only thing I could think of, I ran away.. I'm so sorry."

After her tears were spent, she finally gave in and let her own exhaustion claim her.

She awoke with a start when she heard his agonizing moans coming from across her. He was curled up away from her trembling on the opposite side of the bed. She immediately pushed down the disappointment that he had turned away from her, especially when he was in pain.

She rolled closer to his form and reached over him to feel his tempature. He was hot to the touch again with fever, but she quickly noticed he felt much hotter then the previous attacks. She ran to retrieve a bowl of cold water, and some clean cloths, so she could place cold compresses on him to help reduce his fever. She heard him give a small sigh of relief when it touch his hot skin. She continued the process for sometime, rotating between his head, neck, and down his arms until his face and body relaxed. His breathing calmed and the trembling of his limbs had diminished.

As she began to move away to dispose of the water, he had once again prevented her from leaving by grabbing ahold of her wrist with his silent plea for her to stay. She still didn't know if he was aware he even did this, but she'd never object, especially if it lessened his pain. She would stay where she was until he was ready to let her go.

**Sorry, I know its short.. The next one should be longer. Again I just want to say thanks for reading! I appreciate it! Chapter 8 hopefully soon **


	8. Chapter 8

He awoke hours later still feeling a bone deep exhaustion. The tension had finally left his limbs, giving him back the feelings in his hands and feet. These withdrawals were draining him physically and mentally, he never remembered it being this bad the first time he went through this.. Though at that time, he had actually wanted to stop.

With the feeling back in his fingers, he soon realized his left hand was occupied. Turning to see what he was holding on to, he found her, sound asleep, knees to the floor, head resting on the edge of the bed, and his hand securely around her wrist.

He released his hold on her immediately, almost as if he suddenly realized the contact burned. As he looked down to where his fingers had just been, and noticed bruising that had begun to form against her porcelain skin. He felt a sharp stab of guilt, he didn't realize what he was doing when those attacks hit so hard. Why hadn't she pulled away when he was gripping onto her like that? He thought. As he questioned her reasoning, the phone beside the bed suddenly began to ring, startling her awake, and causing her head to pop up quickly, her eyes landed on him immediately.

She instantly jumped up, forgetting she had fallen asleep on her knees, which were now cramped and weak from there lack of proper circulation.

He had been watching her, and saw when her face registered her regret at the sudden movement. He noticed that she was quickly losing her balance and was about to tumble backwards, but before she could fall flat on her backside, he had reached out instinctively, grabbing her bruised wrist and pulling her toward him. His guilt was refreshed as her saw her wince at the contact, but that thought was soon forgotten, when he realized she was now flush up against him. His body began to burn, and not because of fever.

He was instantly reminded why he continued to push her away, why he didn't want her to touch him, and also why he couldn't allow himself to look her in the eye. But with the current proximity it was impossible not to stare into those beautiful blues, that were glazed with shock and embarrassment. As she looked up at him with her brows furrowed in genuine concern, a deep blush was climbing up her slender neck and into her cheeks, he felt that same inner switch go off the second their eyes had made contact, and he knew he wouldn't be able to control himself.

She was certain she had somehow injured him as he wasn't responding to her questioning if he was alright. She internally reprimanded herself, she should've known better then to jump up like that, especially when she could barely feel her legs under her.

"Spence, I'm sor.."

She didn't get to finish her apology, as the words were pushed back down her throat. His mouth slammed down so hard onto hers causing their teeth hit.

Her eyes went wide with a new type of shock. She felt she couldn't breath, as he completely stole the breath away from her with his lips hard and demanding against her own. Before she could wrap her mind around what was happening, his tongue, without seeking permission had invaded its way through her ivory barricade and began warring against her own. His hands buried themselves deep into her golden curls, his nails grazing the base of her scalp, causing a pleasant shock to run down her spine. Her mind was racing, trying, and struggling to keep up with what was happening. She didn't know if this was all a dream, or still his delusions due to the withdrawals, but it didn't take her more then a second to decide that she would relish in it for as long as it would last. So letting go of all her thoughts, she kissed him back with everything she had, she didn't even try to think, or breathe. Her blood was blazing in her veins as his slender fingers caressed their way down the curves in her neck, causing her whole body to shiver in their wake. She noticed he was trembling on the same level as herself, and momentarily worried another attack was about to consume him, but that thought instantly fled as she felt his arm wrap tightly around her, rolling her over him to the opposite side of the bed, pinning her beneath him, his lips never breaking from hers in their desperate need.

After the initial shock of his action wore off, she allowed herself to indulge in the feel of him, one hand craddling the side of his face, and the other tangled in his disheveled hair, tugging and urging him to get closer to her, his weight pressing down against her, had her feeling so warm and secure that she never wanted to be released.

A part of her knew that this was wrong, but she couldn't stop it. It was as if she had no control over her own body. She didn't know what to think, all she knew was that her Spence was kissing her, and she was lost in him.

He couldn't seem to stop himself. He was intoxicated by her nearness. Everything from the smell of her hair, to the feel of her skin had him reeling. He felt like he couldn't get close enough to her. But he could also feel something nagging at the back of his mind, though he didn't know what it could be. He could barely think, all that concerned him was the woman in his arms, and that she was returning his kiss with equal passion. He was so completely lost in her that he barely registered the once again, ringing of the phone that was next to them. He didn't care about anything else except this moment with her, yielding to his touch. Until he heard the messaging kick on..

_"Hey, I tried callin' ya on your cell but ya weren't answerin'. Just wanted to let ya know we'd be swingin' by the house later. Henry needs to grab his soccer uniform for his game tomorrow. Just givin' ya a heads up, I'll call ya when we're on the way."_

He had broken away from her the second the first word was spoken, releasing them both from the spell that had settled over them. He was completely frozen, as if in a trance, and remained like that for sometime after the message had ended. She could do nothing but watch him as his mind processed everything. Will couldn't have called at a worse time.. She thought. What Spence must be thinking.. What he must think of her.. She had to tell him, she was terrified, but she had too.

"Spence, let me explain.."

With her words breaking the silence, he was instantly released from his trance, and quickly rolled away from her. She immediately felt the loss of his warmth, causing a small whimper to escape her lips. He sat at the edge of the bed, burying his head in his hands. She just waited, and after a few more passing seconds she heard him mumble something, but she could barely pick up his soft spoken word.

"Why?.."

Time felt as if it had stopped, that one strangled word hit her square in the chest, causing her heart to break as she witnessed his distress and self loathing cover over him. He wasn't the one at fault, she couldn't stop herself, she was at fault, for not breaking him out of the delusion as soon as it happened, but she had taken advantage of his weakened state to satisfy her own desire. And as far as he knew, she was still a married woman with two children, and a happy family life. She had to tell him..

But before she could say anything he had quickly stumbled off the bed, and practically shuffled towards the door, swinging it open and attempting to make his way down the stairs. Her reaction to his movements was immediate, as she rolled herself off the other end of the bed, chasing after him.

"Spence!"

She tried to reach him before he hurt himself. She knew that, even though the worst of his withdrawals most likely had past, his muscles were still extremely weak and needed time to restrengthen themselves.

But she wasn't quick enough. She watched in horror as his knees buckled under him and he collapsed, falling halfway down the stairs, landing on his back.

She couldn't prevent the panic from taking over as she witnessed his fall. "SPENCE!" She screamed, running down the stairs to his crippled form.

"Spence!? Are you alright?! Spence, Please! Say something!..."

"...Why JJ?"

His arm was slung over his head, covering most of his face, but she could still see the streams of tears making their way down his cheeks. He looked so broken here at the bottom of her steps, And she never hated herself more then she did in this moment.

"Why JJ?" He repeated. Never looking at her.

"...Why did you leave?.. Why did you comeback?.. Why did you bring me here?.."

Her heart gained a new crack for every one of his questions. They flowed from him as if a flood gate had broken open, releasing everything contained within its walls, his whole body trembling as he spoke, continuing to throw question after question, never really expecting her to answer.

"Why?.. Why did you say it? Why can't I forget it?.. " "...Why can't I stop loving you?.."

Her head snapped up at that last spoken question, eyes growing wide with shock and bewilderment. Her heart flipped within her chest. 'What?...'

"You.. You love me?.." She couldn't stop the words from slipping out. Her heart begged for confirmation that she had heard him right, that this wasn't just her imagination running away from her. How often had she imagined hearing those words from him? The years of continueous hoping, that he would ask her out again so she could make up for that first, and only date.. She had just been so nervous.. The next day he had acted like their date had never happened, and he never asked her again. She believed she had ruined everything, and was too embarassed with herself to talk to him about it. So for years she buried her feelings for him behind her work and came to terms that they would only ever be friends. She never believed she would ever hear him say those words..

He slowly dropped his arm from his face to look directly at her, his eyes sad and swimming. She released a small gasp as she took in the look he was giving her in that moment. Never had anyone looked at her in that way before.. She couldn't decipher it, as his eyes bore into her own, she felt her knees weaken as a result, causing her to grab the banister to keep her balance, as she kept her eyes locked onto his.

Her heart felt like it was going to burst from her rib cage. She couldn't do anything but stare at him wide eyed, as the silence that settled over them lay heavy with emotion.

He suddenly broke the contact, slowly shifting himself up against the wall, resting his head back, and shutting his eyes tight in sad frustration. Watching him move away from her, broke her from her own stare, though his words continued to circulate in her mind, repeating themselves over and over, And she couldn't stop herself.

Eyes heavy with tears she breathed the words, that months ago, she never believed she'd say again.

"I love you.." She whispered.

His head snapped back to look at her. Her eyes projecting the truth of her words. That same ache settled in his bones to touch her when she had said it, he had to mentally slap his hands from reaching out to her, because this wasn't right. He needed to push her away, to keep her away, no matter how much it killed him inside to do it.

"You can't love me!" He snapped, throwing the words back in her face. "Your married to Will, You love him! "

"I'm not! and I don't!" She yelled, before covering her mouth with her hand, shocked at her sudden outburst.

Silence covered over them once again, thick and heavy after her admission, preventing either of them from moving or speaking for some time. He could not have heard her correctly.. There was no possible way she meant what she had just said. It was just due to their current situation, and the emotional exhaustion, that was the only possible explanation.

She was struggling to contain the majority of her tears behind her glassy eyes, and he could see she was on the verge of breaking down. He believed that with the next outspoken word, that she would crack wide open.

"What?" He breathed.

And he was right. She immediately let go of all her control when he asked her that one worded question. She began to sob heavily, taking quick breaths in between each cry, as her lungs begged for air. In that moment she remembered the words Emily left behind with her visit. It was time to come clean, to say everything that she knew needed to be said, so that, like Emily had said, there were no misunderstandings between them anymore.

To his surprise she still managed to speak regardless of her strong cries, and began to let everything out before she lost her nerve.

"I don't love Will.. I never did.."

A shock shot through him to his very core at her words, his eyes wide, and mouth partially open in disbelief.

She could see the effect of her admission witten across his face, but she wouldn't stop. She continued to pour out the contents of her heart that she had kept hidden for all these years.

"He knew I didn't love him when we were married. I had confessed to him that I didn't, and that I wasn't sure if I ever could.. Because I was in love with someone else." Her eyes softened as she looked at him, proving where her feeling lied. His heart skipped a beat. She then closed her eyes, attempting to refill her lungs before she continued.

"But he still wanted to marry me anyway, and convinced me to do it for Henrys sake.." She hated how pathetic she sounded to her own ears.

"Spence.. I was so scared.. We had never planned on having a child." She confessed with a heart full of guilt, but her next words were firm conviction. "But I will never regret having him, not ever. I love my son unconditionally." " But at that time, I didn't know the first thing about being a mom, and it frightened me. I also didn't want my baby to be born without a father." She whispered.

His mind was reeling, he was struggling to keep up as she continued to confess.

"And I tried! I really did.. But, it wasn't enough.."

She now knew that even though Will had wanted to marry her, it wasn't fair to either of them. She shouldn't have gone through with it, no matter how scared she might've been at being alone and raising a child. She should have stopped it. She had tried to come to love him as a wife should love her husband, but her heart just never allowed her to forget who it truly desired. Even after all these years, it wouldn't let go.

"..And I'm so so sorry.. I never meant to hurt you.."

Reid didn't know what to do or say, all he could do was stare at her as she rambled out everything that she had kept locked away. He was in complete shock. All these years, they had seemed so happy together, he would have never suspected that it was a marriage of conveinence. He had been telling himself every single day that she was happy, encouraging himself to be content with that thought. He had never believed she would return his feelings, so he had let her go, and convinced himself that just being her best friend was all he needed, as long as he was able to stay by her side. But now, with her words, his mind was spinning. It frantically was trying to keep up with everything that was thrown at him.

"W..Why didn't you tell me?" He finally managed.

"I didn't know how.." She whispered, keeping her eyes downcast in shame and regret.

"..And.. your marriage?"

"It ended over a year ago.. Though it might as well have been longer.." She whispered, eyes still downcast.

This was too much to take in, he felt like he was drowning. All this time, and she had never once, told him the truth. The pain and struggles he endured, convincing himself she was happy and content, that he could never take that away from her. And now she confesses she has loved him all this time? He felt a heavy bitterness rise into his heart, tears of frustration and anger welling up. The torture he endured, all these wasted years, not knowing that she felt the same for him as he did her.

"Spence?.."

She hesitantly reached her hand out to touch him, but never made contact, as he yanked his arm away from her reach. She felt her heart sink to her feet, his face spoke volumes. She watched him begin to pull himself up to stand on his trembling legs and she had to stop herself from reaching out to help him, knowing he would only pull away from her again. He took a few shaky breaths before he spoke.

"..I need to go."

Her face fell in panic, mouth agape. She couldn't let him leave, not now, besides, he was still too weak to be moving so much. Before she could respond they both heard the opening of the front door, their eyes snapping in the direction of the sound.

Will had walked in, confusion and hesitation surrounding him when he saw them both at the bottom of the stairs.

"Uh, I knocked." He defended. "But no one came, and the door was unlocked.. Just came to get Henry's uniform... Ya'll ok?"

Before she could respond, Spencer cut her off, his face reflecting pure nonchalance when he addressed their intruder.

"Yes, we're fine, thank you."

Her eyes snapped in his direction, confusion in their gaze. But he wouldn't acknowledge her. His face was so calm and serene, that it was as if, he had completely wiped everything that had just happened away, disregarding all of it.

"Sure..ok."Will responded, his brow raised in suspicion as his head whipped back and forth between the two, trying to read their expressions.

"Well, I'm just gonna grab it and then get outta ya'lls way.."

JJ felt her heart seize, and the floor began spinning beneath her feet when she heard the next words come from Spencers mouth.

"Will? Could you drop me off at my apartment? I think its time for me to leave."

**Thank you for all your reviews! I truly appreciate all your kind words! :) And thank you so much for reading. Next chapter hopefully soon. :)**


	9. Chapter 9

She remained at the bottom of the stairs well after they had walked out, emotional exhaustion rooting her to the floor. She felt as if the world had stopped moving and she was now stuck in limbo with a questionable exsistance. She thought that once she had confessed everything that they would be able to talk more openly like they had use to, to resolve everything that had happened between them. How wrong she was..

She was sure he hated her even more now then he already did. If she was still capable to cry, she would, however all her tears were already spent. How did it all come to this?

It was a mistake to come back here.. Regardless of what she did, whether stay or leave, he didn't want anything to do with her anymore, and her emotional structure was at its breaking point.

She came to the conclusion that, for everyone involved, it was time to shut herself off, no matter how much her heart screamed in protest. It was time to seal away everything, she couldn't afford to do this anymore. Her confession months ago had ruined her life and there was no way to change it, what was done is done. And it was just time to accept that she lost him..

She would return to work, she would act like nothing was wrong. She would talk to him when necessary only in the line of work, and once these limited cases were solved, and her required time here was complete, she would submit her application for permanent relocation. It's the right thing to do..

* * *

Reid stared out the side window, watching the passing scenery without interest. His thoughts were too preoccupied with JJs confession circling in his mind. Everything she had told him rocked him to his very core. All this time, he was completely ignorant to everything involving her, she said she loved him though never thought to tell him, letting all these years pass without a single word.

He processed her confession over and over again in his mind. Remembering her face and the devastation as she relaid the facts of her unplanned pregnancy, her fear of raising a child on her own, which pushed her to accept the proposal from a man she claims she never truly loved. Why didn't she come to him first? Didn't she know that he would've been there for her and for Henry? He would've taken care of her..

He knew he didn't really have the right to be bitter with her, but the wound on his heart was too fresh. And the anger still simmered at her for abandoning them, abandoning him.. Though again he knew he shared the fault. He had pushed her into a corner without considering the repercussions his reactions may have caused. But he had honestly thought it was the right thing to do, his lack of control where she was concerned still frightened him. All the surpressed feelings and desires broke free when she told him she loved him, it had been all he'd ever wanted to hear.

His thoughts were broken by the companion in the drivers seat.

"So, how ya holdin' up?" Will asked with slight hesitation.

"I've been better."

"Yea.. I uh.. I mean, are ya sure yer well enough to be on yer own again?"

He knew that the worst of his addiction had broken, so the most he could expect were some minor tremors, but the desperate need was gone. So he was honest when he answered.

"Yea, I'll be fine."

There was another lull of silence that surrounded them. Before Reid chose to speak again.

"So you and JJ are.. your no longer.."

"Married?" Will finished.

Reid dropped his head in disgust with himself for even bringing it up, but the selfish part of him was demanding confirmation that things between them had truly ended.

"Sorry.. I shouldn't have brought it up."

"Nah, its a'right. It was wrong for us to get married in the first place really.. We both saw the signs, but chose to ignore them." And it was true, she had voiced her concerns, and he knew she didn't really love him. But he chose not to listen. He hated himself for not being as straightforward with her as she was with him all this time. The divorce, unfortunate as it was, was inevitable.. "We were just scared." "Henry was a happy accident, a blessin' really. But b'fore it was a blessin', it was just.. an accident. Didn't really know what to do." Will admitted, running one hand through his hair, never taking his eyes off the road.

Hearing Will's confession made him feel some relief, not much but some. The more he learned about their situation, the more he understood. And to some degree he couldn't fault them.

"..She loves ya, ya know?"

Reid's head snapped up to stare at him, complete shock sketched across his face, his mouth was opening and closing like a fish out of water, causing Will to let out a soft chuckle of amusement before continuing.

"Even though she had told me that she was in love with someone else, she never actually told me who.. She was always good at hidin' her emotions all the years we were together. I never suspected it was you." And that was the truth, but once he saw her face the day they picked Reid up at the Center, he knew. After all these years he finally knew. She wore her heart on her sleeve that day, and she wasn't trying to hide it anymore.

"I'm sorry.." Reid said, when he finally found his voice.

"Why? Ya did nothin' wrong."

Reid looked down at his hands that rested in his lap and smirked in self disgust, letting out a small, humorless chuckle. How he wished that was true, but he felt the burden. He loved her all these years even knowing she was married, that she had a family. It felt wrong of him, toxic even, to desire to have someone that was not meant to be his.

"Just cuz ya love her too?"

For the second time within a short window, Reid's head snapped up in shock. He could feel his face heating up in mortification that he was able to read him so clearly.

Will laughed out loud at the look on his face. He actually looked like an embarrassed young school boy that was just teased about liking a girl.

"Don't worry, Ya weren't obvious or nothin'. I only offici'lly realized it today, when I walked in the house and saw both of ya."

Reid dropped his head in shame and regret, guilt rising up in his chest. He didn't know what else he could possibly do besides apologize.

"Look Will, I'm truly sorry, I.."

He paused, trying to find the right words to say and failing to notice that the car had stopped and they were now in front of his apartment building. Will placed the car in park before turning to face him directly.

"Reid listen, ya didn't do anythin' wrong, and neither did JJ. We knew all the facts before we got hitched, and I know that nothin' happen'd between ya both while me and her were married, even though I could never blame either of you if it had.. Otherwise I'd be a hypocrite.." He added softly, letting his eyes drift away momentarily in shame.

It began to become clear why the divorce happened. He didn't believe in infidelity personally, but he felt for Will. To be united in a loveless marriage for multiple years had to be hard..

"Look," Will continued. "I've excepted my mistakes, and a small part of me is not sorry that it happened, just with the way that it did.. But I think this divorce was what we both needed, I'm happier."

His eyes carried the sincerity of his claim which allowed Reid to release a small sigh of relief. He didn't realize how heavy the weight on his chest was until it was lifted.

"Don't wait anymore." Will said. Breaking Reid out of his inner thoughts once again, and causing confusion wrinkling his brow

"Excuse me?"

"Don't wait anymore." "Ya've both wait'in long 'nough, tell her the truth."

Reid couldn't believe his ears. Was Will actually telling him to confess his feelings to his ex-wife?

"Yea, ya heard me right." He said, reading Reid's thoughts. "Trust me, ya don't wanna have anymore regrets. It's time that each of us find the happiness we deserve."

* * *

Will's words continued to circulate in his mind well after he had left. It all felt too crazy. All this time he avoided talking to her, touching her, so as not damage her and Will's relationship, when all this time their relationship had already been doomed before it even started.

But tell her he loved her now? It was ridiculous, he couldn't do it.. He honestly didn't even know if he had forgiven her for lying, for leaving and hiding from them all.

But he couldn't deny that within that moment that Will told him to confess to her, his heart had sped up with an overwhelming desire to do it. He had struggled to push the feeling down, scolding himself. Their marriage had ended, and unbeknownst to him at that time, he had played a part. It wasn't right.. Right?..

He paced throughout his apartment in frustration. He could feel the itch to endulge in oblivion, so he wouldn't have to think anymore. His heart was bruised and aching. The conversations between him and JJ replaying themselves over and over again in his head. It could be so easy to forget everything if he would just let himself. But No, he couldn't do that, not after he just got over the major withdrawals.. But why not?.. It's not like he asked to get better, he was forced to give it up. She forced him to give it up. But she did it for your own good, his mind argued. You were too far gone to know what was good for you anymore. But he didn't owe her anything he retaliated, she took it upon herself to make that decision. He had no say in it..

As he began to lean toward his decision, her concerned and disappointed face flash before his eyes, the sadness in that look stabbed him in the chest with guilt. The thought of restarting the habit caused an instant sickening feeling to wash over him, causing him to quickly dismiss the thought of endulging again.

Decision made, exhaustion instantly took over. He slowly made his way to the bedroom to lay down, and curled up under the heavy blankets. He could feel the tremors slowly resurfacing as the sweat began to bead at his temples. Clutching the covers tight, he silently begged his thoughts to dismiss her face, and for unconsiousness to take hold.

* * *

_**Sorry so late in posting.. Things have been a little crazy in my house with everything going on. I wanna thank you all again for reading! And for all your kind reviews! I'm still trying to learn to be a more creative writer and to write well, so thank you for bearing with me! Please everyone stay safe and healthy during this time! Hopefully chapter 10 will be up sooner rather than later lol XOXO**_


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